The First Time I Failed Life As An ADHDer
Alright guys, I was going to write about something else entirely, but the truth of the matter is that I’m hormonal as fuck this week. If you would like more details on what that entails, please read this article, but in short:
I feel like a grape being squeezed between the thumbs of a ginormous toddler
My brain can’t focus on anything for longer than 2 minutes (except for my clients, because they are amazingly interesting people ❤️)
I just don’t want to do anything at all, with anyone
because even grass bothers me right now, being all green and quiet and shit. Stupid grass.
So instead of writing an article which would require research, I am going to make my life ‘easier’ and instead talk about a very shameful life event from my past, yay!
“I don’t know what to do any more. I know I’ve got a bunch of shit to do, I just CAN’T do it, and half the time I don’t even know where to start with all of the tasks I have to do at work. I work overtime EVERY DAY, and I still fail at my job. I’m such a fucking loser.”
After wiping the tears and snot off my face and taking a little stutter-breath, I finally looked up to see my friends’ faces. They looked concerned and were trying very hard to understand, but I knew they really didn’t. I mean, who in the European traffic jam gets through a Bachelor in Social Work, internships, and a crap ton of volunteering stints without being able to do basic things like prioritizing tasks, creating a weekly schedule, or keeping paperwork in order?
Well, me apparently. To be fair, this job included organizing a program and festival every school holiday, managing 16- to 21-year-old paid volunteers looking after 100 to 200 kids, and fighting nepotism-loving politicians who thought the equator ran through their asshole.
Every Sunday before I went to work, I got a knot in the pit of my stomach. You know, that feeling that screams “You are a FAILURE, you will FUCK UP again this week, because you just CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT.” An increasingly judgemental work environment didn’t help that feeling. And because I was an outsider to this small town, I was treated exactly like it.
After one year of this shame clusterfuck, something broke. It was the middle of the summer program; two months of chaos, shame and running on empty batteries. One particular Sunday I got that sick feeling in my stomach again, only this time I started crying too. And for some reason I couldn’t stop, no matter how hard I tried.
For a 23 year-old I had been through some shit already so I had always prided myself on my resilience, but I just… couldn’t do it any more. I felt as flat as a train-flattened nickel, and just as worthless.
I took two weeks off to cry, rest, and try to understand what the shitscissors was going on. Why couldn’t I do things other people apparently could do without problem?
After browsing a bunch of forums (I know, old school), I finally stumbled upon ADHD. I made an appointment with an ADHD specialist straight away. Unfortunately the guy put a Hellraiser-like scary-looking contraption on my head, and tightened the screws or whatever it was so hard something perforated my skin during our first appointment.
I never went back after that initial appointment, also because I told myself I ‘didn’t want that stamp on me’. Remember, this happened 15 years ago, when people thought ADHD was for hyperactive boys or like, totally deranged girls. Luckily we have come a long way in just a few years, and now we know only mildly deranged girls like yours truly also fit the bill.
Anywho, I decided I didn’t want to quit that job, because that would mean no money, and no money = losing my apartment, losing my apartment = moving back in with my parents, moving back in with my parents = depression.
Think I’ll pass.
So, with my tail between my legs, I went back to that fucking office. In an incredibly awkward conversation, I told my co-worker and boss the truth: that I suspected ADHD, and that I was really struggling with ‘some’ tasks.
I also told them I would do my best to fix it. And I did. My search history for the next few weeks showed queries like:
“How to prioritize tasks”
“How to stay on top of projects”
“How to Outlook” (seriously, what was with that program back then)
And
“When do you have ‘too much sugar’ in your diet?” (because I was still pretty fucking depressed and sugar was my drug of choice).
I managed to make that job my bitch, eventually. Then I got bored and moved to Australia. Which in and of itself, should have warranted an official ADHD diagnosis, don’t you think? Only, that diagnosis came years later, when I went through another breakdown. But that’s a story for another time!
Question for you guys: what was a big ‘learning moment’ in your life? Leave me a comment here so we can support each other!
PS: I can’t get paid via Substack for the work that I do because of where I live, so you can become a paid subscriber or… buy me a coffee via my Buy Me A Coffee profile. Thank you for your support!
Wow, Maggie. I loved this whole piece and especially this quote: I feel like a grape being squeezed between the thumbs of a ginormous toddler. This is SO often what it feels like to try to balance everything. I kind of want to print this on a sign that I can just flash to my husband and kids when I need them to leave me tf alone.
I love the rawness of your articles and your writing. What a breath of fresh air! There’s vulnerability, but also resilience, plenty of it!
I don’t know about my learning moment. What I can confirm is that my critic is one of the worst ones I’ve encountered, my husband also confirmed that too. And that despite whatever I do, it’s never going to be enough. So I have to actively listen to saner voices around me. It’s something that’s I’m trying to learn, to really be kind to myself.