This One's For The Boys
Only Boys Allowed
You may be curious as to why I, a Substacker with a million subscribers already, chose to address only half of my audience. And that is because I love myself a good old bait and switcheroo teachable moment.
Before I get into it, this is not meant to be condescending in any way. In my past I was told multiple times that my accidentally condescending tone matches that of a chief whatever officer or politician, but I promise this is meant to be read in a delightfully neutral tone.
I want to talk about some seriously shitty shiznit women have to go through every (literally) bloody month. And you should care about that because half the population has to deal with said shiznit, and the other half is at the mercy of our melancholic, sugar-inhaling, grumpy twat ass.
What I’m describing below is Premenstrual Syndrome, which, according to healthline, are a bunch of symptoms which pop up one to two weeks before a woman’s period. I only go over the symptoms I personally experience and chose not to go too much into the physical symptoms because after a lifetime of physical pain, I can handle those. For me, it’s the emotional symptoms that are just absolutely falalafucked.
Emotional and behavioral symptoms:
Anxiety: partner wants to talk about something important? Of course that means he now hates me, is planning to leave me, and I will die alone.
Restlessness or feeling on edge: kind of like hyperactive ADHD (which I also have), but worse. I want to move my body in the same way that 90ies Jim Carrey does, but I was told back then that’s not very lady-like.
Unusual anger and irritability: pushy-push me into anything and see how stabby-stabby I can get. Or worse, have the fucking audacity to walk slowly in front of me while I’m speed walking to some appointment
because as per usual I am already late.Increased food cravings, especially for sweets: it really sucks to be a health coach when you’re PMSing, because you know how important a healthy diet is, and yet your body screams “Have that donut! Or ice cream! Did you see that chocolate? And WHEN are you finally snorting that powdered sugar you have in your cupboard?”
Changes in sleep patterns, including trouble sleeping: aaah PMS, that time of the month in which my body randomly decides I should wake up in the middle of the night to listen to my weird neighbour making noise with what I can only imagine is a torture device.
A sad or low mood, which might involve sudden crying: someone sends me a 👍 instead of a “Yes that sounds great as always, you gorgeous and absolutely divine human being”? That’s it, nobody loves me. Not even my succulent Henry.
Decreased sex drive: I feel like an elephant because of the bloat, my body sayonara bitch-es my juice, everything hurts and I’m not into S&M. What exactly do you expect?
Difficulty concentrating or remembering information: if these things are generally tough for an ADHDer, they are impossible when PMSing. Think I’m exaggerating? I forgot my own date of birth the other day.
And then there are the physical symptoms most people already know about, which are bloating, cramping, diarrhea, headaches, back & muscle pain and sore & swollen boobs (about one cup size bigger; great for my partner, not so great for me). You could compare it to having the flu, except that it happens every month.
Now, not every woman has the same Premenstrual Syndrome symptoms as me. But they might have a ‘quieter’ version of it, or a worse version (PMDD, also known as ‘Satan’s Little Helper’).
Orrr…
They will develop them as they enter perimenopause. That’s right my lovely gents, perimenopause can make the symptoms I just described much, much worse. And just so you know, perimenopause can start 10 years before our actual menopause. Meaning, around 40. Or in my case, at the really, really, ridiculously young and good looking age of 38.
Confused about all the ‘pauses’? You are not alone. As I am discovering that all this crap my body has been up to lately very likely is ‘just’ perimenopause, I have been talking to my friends. My friends are generally a little older than me, and health-conscious, clever people. Guess how many of us knew about how early perimenopause can start, and what exactly the symptoms can be. A big fat O. For the keen observer, I chose the letter O, because it’s rounder and emphasises the emptiness. I know, I’m a god damn poet.
So, next time you see one of us trying to hold back tears, a knife or a cake… Please try to understand we are doing what we can to get through hormonal mayhem. Do we get a little crazy? Probably. But imagine dealing with all that, while having to act like everything is fine because no one gives a rat’s ass about your bleeding vajayjay.
Also, please tell the women in your life about perimenopause. Many of us in our thirties and forties don’t know shit about it, and we need all the help we can get. Thank you in advance!
PS: I can’t get paid via Substack for the work that I do because of where I live, so you can become a paid subscriber or… buy me a coffee via my Buy Me A Coffee profile. Thank you for your support!
"Also, please tell the women in your life about perimenopause."
Yeah, I ain't doing that, Maggie. I dated enough up though my 40s to know you do NOT tell a woman about 'women stuff,' even in a compassionate manner; you may KNOW what is happening, but you do NOT share it - you offer support, and if unwanted you endure in silence LOL
Of course, I have not been romantically (or otherwise) involved with anyone for coming up on nine years, so for the moment I am relatively protected from what you discuss. However, it IS a fascinating topic, and I enjoyed reading it :-)
Usually when women start talking about female problems, I figure it’s my job as a clueless male to shut up, take notes and listen. This is no exception. (But just in case, I like you very much in a platonically friendly way.)