Stuck On Squirrels & Trash Can Shame: What ADHD Really Feels Like

It looks like people are enjoying my rambling, so I figured I might as well seize the opportunity to strip down naked and really go for a vulnerability hangover because why the fuck not talk about something that is close to my heart: what ADHD really feels like.

First things first: no, not ‘everybody is a little ADHD’. That’s like saying everybody is a little pregnant. Get out. And shut the door, we’re having a cold winter here.

It’s not because everybody feels nauseous sometimes, that everybody’s ‘a little pregnant’. In the same way, it is ridiculous to say that because you struggle with concentration sometimes, you are ‘a little ADHD’.

No. ADHDers have a different brain structure, different neurotransmitter levels in their brain, and often some good old PTSD because of said differentness. Yes, differentness is a word, I just checked 😉

None of that tells you what it actually feels like, though.

What I’ve written below is how I experience ADHD. It presents differently in all of us so please don’t go up to your ADHD co-worker and tell them that you finally get them now. I beg you.

ADHD: A Meet The Parents Movie

ADHD is like your favorite criticasters in-laws staying over for a week, resulting in you sleeping 3 hours per night, your schedule going tits up, and your dog (always the energy barometer) barking incessantly. Then when you finally have a Hulk Smash moment, everybody gets mad at you. And you, being guilt and shame potty-trained, feel crappy for the next 300 years. Give or take.

So imagine what that situation would do to your brain. Memory? As useful as a wet sock. The ability to do chores? Even IF you remember to do them, there’s a pretty big chance your brain says “Naaah, I’ll do them after they’re gone”. Concentrating on what you KNOW is important? Lol, good luck.

I have just described some of my rascally ADHD traits to you, which are:

• Disordered sleeping (can’t easily fall or stay asleep)

• Scheduling issues (structure? what?)

• Sensory overwhelm and irritability (noise makes me want to set the planet on fire, especially in the morning)

• Emotional dysregulation (once I’m upset it lingers, like creepy men do on social media)

• Working memory issues (don’t tell me how to do something because I will absolutely forget 0.01 second after you tell me)

• Concentration regulation & motivation issues, especially for stupid things like chores (where’s the robot I was promised in all these movies? Fuck you, Hollywood)

• Rejection Sensitive Disorder or RSD (the most painful of all)

Trashy Concentration & Motivation

I want to talk a little more about my concentration regulation & motivation issues and RSD. Why? Because these are the hardest to explain to others, and make you look like a wanker. Not just a wanker. A lazy, unstable wanker.

Let’s start with the trashy concentration regulation and motivation. ADHD is not the inability to concentrate. Rather, it’s not being able to choose when or what to concentrate on. And so my brain either decides something is interesting and mentally (hyper) focuses on it, or tells me to get bent.

A few days ago for example, my brain decided to get stuck on the question if squirrels do indeed use their tails as sails to cross rivers (I blame

Tom Cox

). I can assure you that my concentration was not lacking while I was doing the research.

My brain also doesn’t easily get stimulated and so only wants to take action if said action is novel, in some way interesting to me, urgent or gives me a sense of impending doom is stressful. Repetitive, dull tasks? Forget it, motivation = zero.

And guess what the dullest tasks ever experienced in human existence are? Chores. The thorn in my ass. I mean side.

Here’s the problem with that. How the fuck do you explain to your neuro-somewhat-typical loved ones that you can successfully lead an international team in a high-pressure environment but have been walking around that ginormous dead bug rather than picking it off the floor for weeks? (true story)

How do you explain that you can move to another country while growing your business and build a new life there no problem… But you can’t get the fucking trash can out?

Hello, Trash Can Shame!

You know what to do… you just can’t seem to do it. In the same way you can’t stop obsessing about your crush, I can’t just ‘switch on’ my brain to do dull things. And it sucks big, hairy, dangly, sweaty balls.

Because even if you miraculously were not shamed and guilted for this by your parents, I can assure you that the feelings of shame and guilt will be there. Like sticky, black, Venom-like slime slowly climbing up your body and covering your mouth to suffocate you.

And no, that is not an extreme image to describe it. If that’s what you think, you clearly haven’t experienced neurodivergent Trash Can Shame. Or truly connected to the feeling.

Can I eventually get the trash can out? Yep, but it usually involves a sense of urgency (read: overflowing trash can) and mental gymnastics which may or may not include bribing myself with chocolate. And that is exhausting. Lots of ADHDers experience burn-out at some point in their life. This is one of the reasons.

Raging RSD

Moving on to my raging Rejection Sensitive Disorder, the One Ding To Rule Them All (not a typo).

RSD basically means that when I think a comment has the faintest whiff of criticism or rejection, I instantly feel like crying.

Now, when I say ‘crying’, I’m not talking about old man happiness crying. More like 90ies movies teenage heartbreak crying.

And when I say ‘the faintest whiff of criticism or rejection’… I mean my partner politely asking me if next time I could try to remember to tell him when we need something for dinner. I’m guessing my brain somehow turned that into “You’re stupid and your memory sucks so could you just get your shit together please”.

Some people feel physically ill when their RSD is triggered. Luckily that’s not the case for me. I just feel a lump in my throat the size of Iowa and have to fight the childhood-forged anger response while holding back my tears so I don’t look like a crazy person.

Ahhh. C’est la vie en ADHD!

There are plenty of beautiful things about my Fireworks Brain that I absolutely love and wouldn’t want to give up. Things like creativity, pattern recognition, lots of energy etc.

But that will be for another post. I was enjoying the violin music for this one too much 😉

A squirrel whose RSD was triggered