Hello, my fellow skin sacks humans. If you are new here, just a word of warning: make sure to read until the end of my post for… reasons. You’ll see.
Today, I want to talk about why you should never fucking ever work with a life coach. I’ve heard so many people boasting about how life coaching positively impacted their life, including my best friend. Well, flip me upside down and slap my bottom (please don’t), that is not the experience I had at all.
I was in a really bad place about 6 years ago. Now, when I say bad, I don’t mean the company asking you to work a little harder for the same pay (of course) and your friends blue ticking you on WhatsApp after one too many rants -bad.
I mean bad-bad. Try:
✔ Marriage going down the shitter. Who would have known that copy-pasting old relationship patterns doesn’t make for a healthy marriage?
✔ Body breaking down in every possible way you can imagine. The details will forever be kept from everybody except jack2481 on Reddit because we all need anonymous support at some point in our lives.
✔ Doing a job I loathed only appreciated the pay check of. Maybe the co-workers too, it was a confusing time.
✔ Living in a country which seemed to be Anxiety, Racism and Noise Pollution Central. 1/5 stars, did not enjoy.
✔ Feeling desperately confused about who the hell I was supposed to be and what I was supposed to do with my life.
A friend mentioned working with a life coach which made me absolutely sick to my stomach because A. how dare she suggest I need help when I am always 100% in control and B. who am I, Miss Millennial Millionaire?
I needed that money for fun stuff like:
Takeaway coffee (to feel somewhat alive and sharpen my mind which, thanks to my job, was as blunt as these posts);
Takeaway food (to feed myself after having lost my love of cooking because of complete overwhelm);
Anything sugarrrrr (to boost my mood and get some relief from constantly feeling sad and anxious);
A smart phone (to stop my overthinking by overstimulating my brain with fast food-type content);
Sex. Just kidding, I didn’t pay for that. Or have it in general.
But I figured I should be more ‘open-minded’ and try it, I could always tell everybody how much it sucked balls afterwards and that I should just do it all myself anyway.
I reached out to this so-called life coach and she promptly informed me that it would be best if I booked myself in online, because she was working with other clients too and I could find an overview of her availability there.
The trollop.
Exactly how many other clients did she have? Wasn’t life coaching meant to be a personal journey to fulfil your true potential? So surely, she would only have the energy to help two clients per week?
This ‘coach’ also told me I should pay her before (not after!) the appointment, and that if I would randomly change my mind, I would not be getting that money back. Something about her wanting to make sure I show up and her also needing to pay the bills or whatever. I mean, the fucking audacity.
I was too curious to stop at this point so I booked myself in and filled out her health and wellness form covering 6 (wink to the devil much?) levels of health, then hopped on Google Meet for our first session.
The coach seemed friendly enough. She told me what the structure of her coaching sessions looked like, and then asked me what my thoughts were on the assessment form. I told her honestly that I got confused by her questions (I knew for sure I would have done a better job, because everything I did was always perfect). She frowned and took some notes to improve her form, then asked me what I really wanted to work on.
What kind of a weird question was that? I was a fucking balloon filled with emotions, ready to pop, I didn’t bloody know what the fuck I wanted to work on, everything I guess? I told her that. She smiled and told me that we would work on it together.
Sure, we would work on it ‘together’. It had been more close to reality if she had replaced we with I and together with by myself. Because that’s what ended up happening, folks.
The only thing she did in the sessions was ask me annoying questions about my life and what I wanted for it, help me clarify my goals, keep me on track with actions that I set up for myself, find strategies for the obstacles I threw or found on my way, dig a little deeper when I was trying very hard NOT to go there (because, just no), taught me about mental health, and gave me techniques to work with.
Naturally, this whole ordeal didn’t last very long. I only needed 3 months to get my shit together. But you know what is incredibly annoying?
That I can never say that I did it 100% by myself.
Because the coach was technically there too. So never ever go to a life coach. It fucking sucks to do all the work yourself, and not even get 100% of the credit for it.
This story is obviously satire, but very much based on what actually happened in my personal life and my initial feelings about coaching, plus how I work with people as a coach myself.
It’s pretty shit that it can be difficult for people to afford coaching, so if you are reading this post now and you haven’t worked with me yet, I am offering you a 50% discount on a one-off session (now $50) and I’m throwing in a health and wellness assessment for free.
Hopefully see you soon my beauts!
Life coaches are middle-men between me and myself!
It definitely depends on the quality of the coaching. Everyone is calling themselves a life coach now but what I looked at was the qualifications, not just what and where they studied, but also are they the example they teach? Do their own results give you confidence? My coach is amazing. I never thought I’d be the sort of person to have a life coach! 😂 It’s quite literally changed my life in amazing ways.